The ABCs of Death
by PurdyBaby
Summary: Kagome is killed in her era. Inuyasha and the gang try to carry on without her. Trigger Warning: Major Character Death(s). Suicide. COMPLETE.
1. A is for Agony

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**The ABCs of Death**

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If you're looking for a story with a happy ending, it's best if you turn away now. This isn't a story for the faint of heart. It begins one cold night in the midst of a storm filled with an inky darkness that sank into the marrow of one's bones. Bursts of lightning lit up the streets, and steadily made their way from one end of the city to the other. In the middle of one street, much like any other, lay the body of a young woman choking on her own blood as rain fell unforgiving against her mutilated flesh. It was stupid to have stayed out so late but she had been running so far behind in her studies recently. A few extra hours at the library seemed innocent enough and it wasn't like she couldn't protect herself or so she thought.

The blood didn't gush in a constant flow, but in time with the beating of her heart. At first it came thick and strong, flowing through her fingers as they clasped the punctured flesh of her stomach. She felt the blood move over her hand, the thick fluid no warmer or cooler than her own skin. After a few moments more, and the blood was still leaving her rapidly paling flesh, but the pulses were slower, weaker. The warm crimson liquid oozed into her rain-dampened uniform. Time itself had become irrelevant; the seconds could have been hours, or hours mere seconds. In that suspended moment she was the eye of her own storm; but for that moment of perfect calm and mental clarity, she played the past year of her life over and over. Each moment, each smile seared into her mind bringing her comfort in these last moments on earth. One face in particular dominated her thoughts and suddenly visions of what she had hoped to pass replaced reality. Thoughts of stolen kisses in the nights and words she would never hear echoing in her numb mind.

"I love you," Kagome rasped as a single tear slid down her muddy cheek, "I'm sorry."

Five hundred years in the past, a silver haired man gasped loudly as he bolted upright in his chosen tree branch. That dream had been so real. So very real. The memory of that dream accelerating inside his head. He wanted them to slow so he could breathe but they just wouldn't. His breath came in gasps and as he softly landed on the ground, he felt his heart hammering inside his chest like it belonged to a rabbit running for its skin. Still, he refused to accept it as real. It was a dream. Only a dream. Nothing more.

With speed he had scarcely achieved before he managed to reach the well before damn near flinging himself inside. It wasn't until he reached the well house that he allowed himself to breathe. A move he instantly regretted. The scent of tears and screams of grief echoed inside his empty chest. The notable lack of Kagome's scent took his breath away. A voice, an unfamiliar voice in the courtyard, speaking truths he didn't want to hear. That he couldn't accept.

"We found her body about an hour ago," the voice murmured apologetically, "There was nothing we could do."

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The sun shone brilliantly and the brilliant colors of the spring day under it's glare were offensively bright and cheerful. It was as nature itself was conspiring to show a man who had now lost everything how the world would go on without her. It shouldn't. The world itself should be grieving for having lost her. It should be cold and damp with silent air. But the birds still sang and the flowers still bloomed.

Glancing at the others in attendance, Inuyasha could barely stop himself from screaming. Her so-called friends stood silently by as they watched the casket lower into the cold, unforgiving earth. They spoke of meaningless lunches and memories that didn't really express how special she had been. He would wait to give his speech. When it was just them. Away from prying eyes or accusatory mutterings about how much of an asshole he'd been to her. Maybe he'd change first. Back into his robes instead of the stuffy black suit her mother insisted he needed to wear. Which he did wear without complaint. He had wanted to look his best for her after all. His very best. So he agreed. He'd bathed in those soaps that smelled so much like her. Braided his hair in one long plait. Made sure every inch of him was polished and pristine. She would've loved it. It would've made her very proud.

Still, for what he had to say, he wanted to look like himself. Her true friends had all written letters - mainly with Miroku's help as he was the most literate amongst them now. He would read those to her when they were alone. She needed to know how many people she'd saved. Whose lives she had changed for the better. How much they all loved and admired her. And then he'd make the bastard who did this pay.


	2. B is for Beloved

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**The ABCs of Death**

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The trees were dark silhouettes against a newly silver sky, its blue hue almost gone until dawn. Their branches swayed in the wind, creaking in the slight breeze. A solitary silver haired man standing before a newly dug grave clutching several pieces of parchment against his chest.

"I..." he began softly before his voice cracked and a tear slid down his cheek, "I know you can't hear me but I...I want you to know. You were wrong. Before you get angry, please listen. I know...I know you told Sango that I didn't...didn't love you. But you were...you were wrong. It was always you. From the very beginning I loved you. And...and I'm sorry I didn't tell you _every **single** _day. I'm a coward, okay? I'm a fucking coward and there is nothing, _nothing_ I regret more than never saying it. _Especially_ knowing how badly you wanted me to. And to make it _worse_, I failed you. I wasn't...I wasn't there to protect you. And I swore to, Kagome. I swore to protect you and I _couldn't_. I'm _sorry_. I'm...I'm _so_ sorry..."

The rest of his words were drowned out by the uncontrollable sobs that broke free in that moment as he crumpled to his knees - still clutching those letters against his chest. There was nothing he could do to bring her back. _Nothing_. It wasn't like Sesshomaru would magically arrive to bring her back. Not here. Not now. Even if he were still alive by some miracle, why would he do such a thing for his bastard brother?

How long he knelt there sobbing, he wasn't sure. When they finally subsided, it wasn't due to a lessening of the grief but more out of determination to fulfill his promise to his friends. With each letter, a new onslaught of sobs racked his frame and yet he continued to read the outpouring of love from their friends. Friends he only had because of her. Friends that he knew he would probably outlive. He had hoped...

"I'm so sorry," he sobbed as he found the strength to stand and made his way to her headstone. Pressing his hand against the cold plaque, he broke down once more and begged for her forgiveness. He had failed her. In so many ways. If only...

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It seemed like forever ago now. He'd found the man who had slain her and killed him. Brutally and painfully. He then returned to the feudal era and after several months, their group began the search for jewel shards once more. All joy that had once made life worth living stolen from their very souls. There were times that were harder than others. Kikyo's occasional arrival was now met with morbidly eager faces. Desperate to see Kagome's visage even though it wasn't really her. Eventually Kiyko too was gone and their lives, strangely, were worse off for it. It took two long, painful years but they managed to slay Naraku. The victory was bittersweet. A piece of them all had died with her and that night while the villagers celebrated the heroes victorious return, the group sat inside Kaede's hut in silence.

"She would be glad," Sango's tearful voice broke the silence as she wiped away a tear that broke free, "I...I hope we made her proud."

"We did," Inuyasha announced softly as a wry smile appeared on his face, "I know she would be very happy for us."

"We still have the jewel," Shippo piped up in a quiet despondent voice, "Maybe...maybe we could..."

"It wouldn't be her," Inuyasha interrupted bitterly as he threw another log onto the fire, "The jewel doesn't grant your real wish. Look at Kikyo."

"Kikyo wasn't brought back by the jewel," Miroku sighed shakily before adding in a bitter tone, "But I believe you are correct. It wouldn't be her."

"Do you think...do you think she's in a better place?" Shippo asked in a wavering tone, "She...she was a good person. Does...does that make it better?"

"We all go to the underworld when we die," Inuyasha responded in a depressed tone, "Good and bad alike. You saw it when we were fighting Sounga. There's no difference."

"It looked bad," Shippo whispered in a terrified tone as tears welled in his eyes, "I don't want her to be there."

"None of us do, Shippo," Miroku chided softly before reaching over and pulling the kit into his lap, "But we'll see her again one day. We'll all be together and...and it'll be just as it was."

"No, not as it was," Inuyasha sighed heavily before he slowly got to his feet and made to leave the hut, "Not if I have any say in it."

No one questioned him for they all knew what he meant. No one had taken Kagome's death harder than the hanyou. If they believed him to be closed off before, they were sorely mistaken. He spoke only when spoken to and spent most of his days in tree branches thumbing each bead individually until they were worn down with worry. He'd discovered he could take them off after she died. Their continued presence was purely by choice. Despite their former doubts on the matter, it was clear he had loved her more than anything. That he still loved her and he had died that day same as her.


	3. C is for Closure

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**The ABCs of Death**

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It was a few days later that Shippo made his decision. He wouldn't, _couldn't _bring himself to wish Kagome back from the dead, knowing she would not be the same woman she had been in life but he could try one other thing. If he sent Inuyasha back next time he passed through the well, which he did at least once every three days to pay his respects, maybe - just _maybe _\- the threads of fate could be changed. It was possible that something very bad could happen to the kit. Everyone who ever wished on the jewel that they knew of had met a grim fate but it would be worth it if he could save her. Perhaps it was a selfish wish. No, it was a selfish wish and it was not the correct wish. Kagome had said something once about there being one true and correct wish. Still, he didn't care what happened to him. Maybe his soul would become trapped in the jewel. Maybe he'd become a blood thirsty killer. Maybe Kagome would die anyway. Still, he had to try.

And so, he crept near the box where they kept the jewel and slowly opened the small wooden container. The jewel sat there - slightly tainted as no one was able to purify it fully since Kagome was gone. It grew darker as his small furry hand reached towards it. Despite his gentle nature, he was tainted and that thought alone gave him pause. If he were tainted, just by being a youkai, then undoubtedly whatever he did would be tainted as well.

"I wish you would just disappear," Shippo spat bitterly as he pulled his hand back and angry tears slid down his cheeks as he buried his face in his hands, "Just disappear forever so I don't have to look at you anymore. Just go away."

For hours, he sat on the hut floor sobbing into his hands until the first light of dawn crept into the hut and a horror filled voice brought him out of his grief.

_"Shippo, what've you done?"_

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"Did. You. Wish. Her. Back?!" Inuyasha spat angrily as he violently shook the kit and his heart pounded in his chest, "Where is the fucking jewel?!"

"I don't know. I didn't wish on it," Shippo sobbed as he glanced down at the box, "I didn't...I was going to but I didn't."

"It's fucking gone! You wished for something!" Inuyasha snarled desperately, "What did you say?!"

"I wished...I wished it would disappear but...but I didn't...touch it or anything," Shippo continued to bawl - his voice hoarse from hours of misery, "I'm sorry. I didn't...I didn't mean to do it."

"You wished for it to disappear?" Inuyasha asked in a slightly hollow tone as he dropped the kit unceremoniously onto the ground, "The one thing that might've brought her back. That we could've used to save her. You wished disappeared?!"

"None of you were going to do it!" Shippo barked back bitterly as he buried his face once more, "And...and I didn't wish for it. You were right. It wouldn't be her."

In his own misery, he failed to notice the hanyou leave the hut. The broken, lost look on his face as he stumbled slightly and took in a ragged breath. The jewel was gone and with it, any chance that Kagome might be returned to him. He knew it wouldn't be right to bring her back but as long as the jewel existed, so did the hope he might see her again. He had always hoped that one day...maybe one day they could figure out the right wish. But it was pointless. The jewel was gone.

How he got to the well, he wasn't quite sure. He didn't remember having a particular destination in mind but still, he wanted to see her. Even if it was just her grave stone. He wanted to apologize for failing her in this. For failing to protect the one thing that might save her from wherever she had gone in death. He needed to see her. Apologize one last time. And then he could leave this world for good.


	4. D is for Death

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**The ABCs of Death**

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The weather was fitting for once. Rain poured down and lightning flew across the night sky. Taking a shaky, despondent breath, Inuyasha blinked once as he tried to wrap his mind around this turn of events. It had been dawn when he'd left his era. How could it already be night here?

"You'll call me before you leave," he heard Ms. Higurashi sigh in a worried tone, "I don't like you going to the library after dark."

"It'll be fine," he heard a voice that he scarcely believed was real, "Honestly, it's only a few blocks away. I do this all the time."

"Can't you go tomorrow? Look at the weather, sweetheart," Ms. Higurashi tried again, "I have a bad feeling about tonight. I'd much rather you stay at home."

"Ka...Kagome?" Inuyasha managed to stutter as he stumbled out of the shed as quickly as he could until he came directly before her. He had surely died. Maybe...maybe this was the underworld? Kagome was dead. Had been dead for years. And yet there she was. As he crumbled to his knees and stared up at Kagome's worried face, he laughed once in shock before launching himself at her stomach and holding onto her for dear life.

"I'm sorry," he managed to breath as he inhaled deeply and nuzzled her stomach, "I'm so sorry. Forgive me."

"Why are you apologizing?" Kagome asked in a slightly terrified tone, "And what's wrong with you? You look sick. And...oh my god, are you bleeding?!"

"Do you forgive me?" he pleaded again as he clutched her tighter still ignoring the lingering aches and pains, "I...I failed you."

"Inuyasha you haven't failed me," Kagome mumbled awkwardly as she tried to escape his vice grip to check his wounds, "I mean, yeah I was supposed to come back in two days and you said you'd leave me alone but I'm...I'm not mad at you. Here come inside. You look awful. What happened?"

"I...I must've died," he muttered in an awe-stricken tone as he reluctantly released her and got to his feet - drinking in every minute detail of her face, "I never thought I'd see you again."

"You died?!" Kagome squeaked as she quickly began checking him for injuries, "Oh my god! Come inside right now! I need to..."

The rest of her words were cut off as Inuyasha embraced her and slammed his lips desperately onto her own. His lips moved urgently - seeking reassurance if anything - ignoring the startled gasp of Ms. Higurashi and the faint teasing of Sota.

"I love you," he whispered as he found the strength of pull away and rested his temple against hers, "Don't leave me again."

"I was gone for _literally _half a day," Kagome mumbled in an embarrassed yet secretly pleased tone before taking a step back and grabbing his hand, "Now come on. We need to bind your wounds."

"Do you still love me?" he asked in a small voice - resisting the slight tug, "Do you?"

"InuYasha, of course I love you," Kagome mumbled in a worried tone, "But I don't think you're in your right mind. We need to check your wounds before professing love, okay?"

"Whatever you say," Inuyasha replied as the broken pieces of his heart slowly put themselves back together and he followed her into the house. A genuine smile on his face as a solitary tear slid down his cheek.

Five hundred years in the past, Miroku was walking through the meadow in somber silence after learning that Shippo had wished away the jewel before gasping loudly and crying out in pain. There, on the lip of the well, sat Inuyasha - his eyes staring blankly ahead and an untransformed Tessaiga hanging limply in his hand. Three deep gashes adorned his cold body. One to his neck and two to his wrists. He had done the unthinkable and left them behind.

"You idiot!" Miroku screamed in grief as he rushed to his friend and proceeded to remove him so his body didn't disappear into the well, "How could you do this to us?! How _could _**_you!?"_**

It took everything Miroku had left in him not to try to purify the ever living shit out of his friend who so thoughtlessly left them behind. Had their feelings even been considered?! The grief they would undoubtedly feel at his passing meaning nothing?! How could he leave them like this? Grief and guilt racked the monk as he sobbed bitterly and slapped the corpse hard across the face.

"You...you selfish bastard!" Miroku screamed hoarsely in between great gasping sobs before gathering the bloodied corpse against his chest and rocking it, "You _fucking_ _**bastard**_! You were better than this! How could you?! How could you leave us like this?! We could've helped. We...we would've tried to help you. You didn't need to do this! We need you."

It was no matter. InuYasha had gone to beg Kagome's grave for forgiveness one last time before coming back to their world. It seemed only right after all in his muddled, devastated mind. To end things there. Kagome had always made it clear that there was no such thing as demons in her era. If he were to die, he didn't want to become some kind of testament to legend. But he wanted to see her again. He couldn't take one more day without her, without the hope of seeing her again and holding her in his arms so die he must. His friends would bury him. Respectfully. There was no risk someone would mutilate his corpse due to his heritage. All because of her. And while they would hurt, his friends would still have each other. It hurt him to know they would grieve but he couldn't take it anymore. Little did he know, his friends couldn't bear to lose him too.


	5. Suicide Prevention Hotline Information

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**The ABCs of Death**

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_"The person who completes suicide, dies once. Those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand...why?" _\- Clark (2001)

If you are contemplating suicide, please call 1-800-273-8255 and/or visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline website. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

_If you are looking for a sign not to kill yourself, this is it._


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